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Saturday, 26 October 2013
The secret

I realized that I have this very bad thinking (it's not ill intentioned). Whenever I see couple getting engaged or hosting a wedding banquet,  I will just think deep down that "why you so stuipd to belive in marriage,  you will regret, you will get

Yes, my biggest regret is get married and to realised it's a wrong move and that I initiated the divorce..

Monday, 21 October 2013
I dont understand

I seriously need to blog it out.. I don't know who I can speak to.. I can pour my sorrow to anyone but there wasn't anyone that can help me.. not even my sister or mother (sad to say).. even my father, there's little he can do..

I really feel disappointed why in my life, there's no one to stand in front of me and fight for me.. I'm forever alone fighting my own war.. I'm tired.. I really have the thought that if he want the kids, that will be after I'm dead

It's been 1yr 3mths since I step out and initiated the divorce as much as I don't wish to make things ugly, he has always been making things difficult for me.. I really hate to quarrel as it gets me emotional... seriously, is it that he will feel happy by making me miserable? Why cant just compromise and move on? Why the need to drag? Is it that he feel unbalance that I'm the one ditching him?

Many a times, I've been talking to him nicely and all that his reply is to make unfavorable for me and always ended up quarreling...

I don't understand.. does his father have two faces or it was just my thought...

I know the fastest and shortest way out is to give up my rights, access and control to both the kids which would makes me less miserable but I can't, I can't bring myself to surrender my flesh and blood to them.. At the same time, I'm feeling sad for the elder girl whom they did not really want... They are after the younger boy.. Everytime I see my girl saying wanting to go their place my heart sank, I feel like telling her that you are not the one that they ultimately after.. I didn't dare to put it across to her as I'm afraid to break her heart and to feel unbalance...

I really don't want the kids to get involved in this dispute but I can't help to get agitated by them in their dirty unhand games.. Splashing gift to the boy more than the girl and spoiling the boy by allowing him to stay home just because he want to sleep.. what is this?

Yes, the child will buy your story but as a parent, is that right? Is that the morale we want to impart to them? Seeing all this makes me stand firm in fighting for their custody even ending up with wounds and blood...

I'm not sad about the fight with him and like I say, the real saddness is that "I'm fighting alone" no one to reach out to.. at least for him, his father is still helping him to resolve..

I just can't help to feel sorry for myself.. I need to stay strong, put up a face in front of everyone elses, be the nicest buddy helping out in their bad time, be the most hardworking staff trying to help easing colleagues workload, being the nicest sister/daughter by keep mum to all these and not making them worry..

Now that I'm tired, no one to turn to.. its during these time, I need to see my babies to feel the ease and be rest assured that they are/will be on my side but they are not..

when will it end?? I hope it will be soon..

Sunday, 14 October 2012
The bonding time
I feel super happy and having great sense of achievement when I bring the kids for aijisen last week.. Seeing them eating it so seriously makes me very happy.. And it's like I finally have aijisen kahkis..

Back home, seeing XL taking her learning seriously is also a very touch moment.. I just simply loves my mini monsters!!!

Monday, 24 September 2012
The final update for today..
This weekend was well spent despite my unknown illness (will talk about the illness later)..

Saturday afternoon went swimming with dear sis and cousin at gugu's hse.. Had a little swim and relaxing at the jacuzzi while we gossip and start our nonsense..

After swim, went Popo hse and had mj session with the old folks tgt with 4th uncle.. I'm the overall winner with about close to 40bucks of winnings.. Finally home sweet home after 2 rounds that end at 1am..

Sunday (23092012) was an important day for melisa and Justin.. Had to wake up early and reach Sheraton hotel by 10am.. Their solemnization start promptly at 11am and it was so heart warming to see them exchanging their vows and being pronounce husband and wife.. Was really grateful for them to have invited me tgt with xinwei and Michelle.. Really treasure the friendship between xinwei, melisa and I.. We have been through the most hectic moments at Charles & Keith where the team had only 4pple.. Unlike now we had 10..

Anyway, Justin and I was quite close too, used to talk craps on Skype during the days when he is still with the company.. Still remember how I force Mel to tell me her relationship status with Justin back in 2009/2010.. Now that they have decided to move to a next phase of life, I'm so happy for them.. But will be missing them both after oct whee they will be based in shanghai.. :'(

During the rom reception, finally got a chance to get that mr yeo to show his practiced dance move - gangnam style.. Lol.. He is quite an entertainment and very onzzzz.. Everyone is laughing so hard on his comical dance move and enjoying it at the same time..

After that shared a cab home with xinwei and she's very nice to drop me off cos I wasn't feeling well..

Yes, I don't know what's wrong with me.. Having insomnia on Friday and wake up at freaking 7am on Saturday morning and couldn't get back to slp.. Wasn't feeling well since Saturday night, feeling giddy, having cold sweat, fast heart beat, gaseous, nauseous, tired but can't slp well, insomnia and lost of appetite.. Throughout Sunday, was feeling the same and had popped a total of 6 panadol within 1.5days hoping that it will help me relieve a little.. But it didn't.. :(

So I went straight to slp after the rom reception and wake up after 3hrs still feeling the same.. And till now, having insomnia and typing these 3 blog updates.. Zzzz... Still feeling light headed and nauseous but managed to finish a cup porridge (my first full meal of the day) at 9++pm..

Will be seeing dr yeo later at 10+am.. Probably I should try to take a nap for 4hrs..


The BKK trip (13 - 16 sept'12)
Finally I found time to sort and update about the trip...

About 2 weeks ago, (as some may know) I had my first family trip to oversea with my folks and dear sis.. And since bkk is a shopping paradise, it wasn't didi's cup of tea and he would rather stay home and hug his com to sleep.. Anyway, if he were to go, he will probably be wasting the money to be just sleeping in the hotel.. Hahaha..

Back to the trip.. Was really excited with the thoughts of seeing BKK for my first time though the thought of scotching sun and rainy days did scare me a little..

Nothing much to talk about upon our arrival that first night, we just met up with the tour agency people and they had arranged for our transport to the hotel and the rest of the dayssss were free & easy.. The hotel doesn't really fit in with what we saw on their web page, nonetheless, it was still decent..

On the second day, we went straight to the 四面佛 after breakfast for some praying before a short shopping at central world.. After that we hit off to pratunam market and practice our bargaining skill.. Managed to scoff through every corner and stall there with some purchase.. Visited the famous platinum as well, shuffling between zone 1 & 2 but only managed to walk 3 levels before hitting back hotel..

Third day, mummy wasn't feeling comfortable for long walk so we had daddy to accompany her for the day.. They went pratunam market on their own to get some (more) stuff while sis and I venture out to terminal 21 (@asok).. Before heading there, she showed me the short cut route to Siam paragon.. Initial plan was to see the aquarium first but we were too early and the mall wasn't even open.. So we took a train to asok and terminal 21 was just beside the station.. Was too excited about gg T21 that we didn't check the opening hour before setting off and we had to wait for a good 30mins before the mall opens..

Took a leisure walk along the mini market at the road side to kill time and realized that why don't they have a cafe or any drink store for us to chill out like mcd/Starbucks/coffee bean etc.. -_-"

Finally time's up and the gate was open.. Was really impressed cos T21 was really nice and interesting with the concept of airport/travel.. Each level is decorated with theme of different countries like Paris, London, Tokyo, Caribbean etc.. Staff working there also dress up, the information counter has a stewardess, the security guard wearing like a police officer and with a sensor gate, the cleaner some wore like London solider, Japanese etc.. It shop was as interesting as well and we managed to get a few stuff.. Not forgetting Charles & Keith is at terminal 21 as well ;)

Went back to hotel to unload our goods before another round at platinum again.. Before that, we chance upon a big scale shopping area probably of similar size to seoul's dongdaemun... too big that we almost lost our way inside and decided to get out cos the fashion wasnt really fashionable...

Reached platinum, Walking up and down, in and out every corner, every level of the 2 zone.. Totally like a expert and knowing which store at which zone at which level.. Best impression is odee at zone 2 lvl 4, not because the clothes is nice but there's 2 trans creating a lot of attention to the shoppers.. Hahaha... And before the shop closes, we also managed to walk every stores in zone 3..

Settled our dinner with my long waited A&W before heading home..

Last day, all of us sleep a little while longer, had our breakfast later and checkout in the noon with our luggage deposit and head straight to platinum again.. Bringing my folks to get their things and let them shop zone 3 before going to diamond shopping center and shubuya for a different experience but nothing much.. Then we decided to walk back to the hotel to redeem our luggage and wait for our bus to airport..

Upon reaching the airport, it was much earlier than we expect but still proceed to do our check-in and went in to the departure hall to see if there is anything to shop.. Sadly, there wasn't much except the duty free, F&B stores etc.. Not much selection (a small corner of only 1 store) for toys or nice souvenir..

The boarding time on the pass differ from the actual and we wasted about 2 hrs at the boarding gate and about 30mins on the waiting area before boarding the plane.. Anyway, sis and I were too hungry that we give in to that $5 nissim chicken cup noodle.. And I willingly spent another $5 on a ben's & Jerry chocolate chunk in cookies & cream.. Meltzzzz...

Overall, scoot wasn't that bad except that they don't serve plain water and they charge $4 for mineral water.. But they do have water dispenser that allows you to fill water to you bottle.. But I don't understand why they can't just take a cup, fill it with water from the dispenser and give it to me.. *roll eyes* also, in case you want to know, the aircon is super good condition that its you probably will freeze.. I bet it's their gimmick to sell the blanket + eye mask set that cost $22.. Haaaa...

Filling in the blanks
Decided to pay a little bit more attention to my blog whenever possible..

Life being "single" or I would say excluding him in life feels more breezy.. No longer feel worry, anger, injustice, suspicious...

Although its my dream to make an end to it ASAP but I'm still procrastinating about giving up my rights for the kids.. The thought of wanting the kids to be with me came back and I'm thinking of how to tell him since our last conversation was that I'm willing to let him have the kids..

Anyway, I know mum and mic are chasing after my ass to settle it once and forever, it's hard for me explain my stand now.. Nobody understand how I feel.. Maybe I'm just not prepared to "dump" my kids.. Or I might regret letting him have them if I were to know that they are not being brought up in correct belief or moral and ended up like him.. I might hate myself.. Or my kids will hate me for making this decision alone cos they want to be with me... A lot of worries or situation are going through my mind.. FML

I know I have to settle it fast but I hadn't made up my mind over the kids and I hate that suspicious look pple are giving me like they were thinking "don't tell me you hasn't made up you mind cos you still want to get back with him"... For hell, NO!! I know it clearly that it is over and I have nothing left in wanting to salvage anything.. No more believing, no more chances.. Had already given my trust and chances which had already been lost and broken..

I'm proud of myself to reject SIL sternly for trying to talk things out for us.. It's not going to work.. I told her not to see this whole issue as a stand point of a "sister of him" and try to persuade me; rather, view it in a women's point of view, would you accept this kind of life.. And I can see that she totally understand where I'm coming from except feeling a little sad for the young ones..

I made my stand clearly that although the children may get hurt emotionally for our breakup but its my duty to make them understand that they did not lost anyone of us, just that their daddy and mummy will not be staying together anymore. The kids seems to understand it and they are taking the facts about our separation quite positively and life goes on as per normal.. It's probably the best way to protect them rather then letting them see us quarrel...

Having say so much was probably my limit, I'm very tired in explaining why I hasn't make my move in filing the divorce and the decision to the kids.. I wouldn't want to start thinking about it cos its always endless.. I can't seem to find a balance point..

It's so true that this process is torturing people's mind and turning the scene ugly if there is no compromise..

Lastly, I truly believe that if a relationship turn sour, as a wife, who used to be so dependent on the husband; get so affected by the words or action of the husband, managed to stand strong, gain her independence, she's ready to move on and no turning back...

So guys, if your gf/wife is getting independent and is not crying or feeling upset about things or words you done/say to her, she probably has already get over you..

Many years ago, I told myself, if one day I would be able to take care of the kids myself and do things on my own, I'm ready to move out cos I don't need a husband in life who are not dependable since I can do it myself.. True enough, I'm training myself over the years to be strong as a backup plan or safety net should I fall back.. Which I would say I'm doing well till now that I'm not feeling anything, any sadness since my decision.. This affirm that fact that its all a "past tense"...

Monday, 10 September 2012
It's a wonderful day
Friday I was on childcare leave and the day was well spent with the kids..

XL gave me a wake up call early in the morning henceforth, decided to bring HJ for a haircut since weekday morning usually has a lesser queue..

HJ is being very cooperative during the cut and I'm proud of him for enduring the cut without moving!! Well done!!

After showering the kids, I bring them to interchange for a short walk and have some ice-cream as a reward for being obedient.. We then took train to bugis to collect some stuff from my friend and loiter around there for a while before taking a long trip bus back to tamp..

Monsters were excited about the bus trip cos its a double decker bus and I managed to get the super front seat at the 2nd level for them.. Being too tired with the eventful day, both fell asleep in the bus..

As promised, I bought blanket for both of them and a stationary set to cheer them..although spent about 50 bucks but Seeing their happy face was priceless..

FIL came to fetch them while I meet SIL for dinner.. The monsters was later being sent back cos mil wasn't feeling well..

Back at home, I played pairs with them and I realized that HJ has good memory.. I would say on par with his sister.. Throughout the game, they behaved themselves and obey the rules.. Feeling super happy to see them play in harmony..

And that's the end of a eventful and happy Friday! I hope everyday is like that..

♥ a b o u t m e

♥ Name: Christine Huang
♥ Age: 23
♥ Precious: Kammy Ngian Xuan Lin born on 3rd March 2007
♥ Precious: Damien Ngian Hong Jun born on 15th June 2009

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