I realized that I have this very bad thinking (it's not ill intentioned). Whenever I see couple getting engaged or hosting a wedding banquet, I will just think deep down that "why you so stuipd to belive in marriage, you will regret, you will get
Yes, my biggest regret is get married and to realised it's a wrong move and that I initiated the divorce..
I seriously need to blog it out.. I don't know who I can speak to.. I can pour my sorrow to anyone but there wasn't anyone that can help me.. not even my sister or mother (sad to say).. even my father, there's little he can do..
I really feel disappointed why in my life, there's no one to stand in front of me and fight for me.. I'm forever alone fighting my own war.. I'm tired.. I really have the thought that if he want the kids, that will be after I'm dead
It's been 1yr 3mths since I step out and initiated the divorce as much as I don't wish to make things ugly, he has always been making things difficult for me.. I really hate to quarrel as it gets me emotional... seriously, is it that he will feel happy by making me miserable? Why cant just compromise and move on? Why the need to drag? Is it that he feel unbalance that I'm the one ditching him?
Many a times, I've been talking to him nicely and all that his reply is to make unfavorable for me and always ended up quarreling...
I don't understand.. does his father have two faces or it was just my thought...
I know the fastest and shortest way out is to give up my rights, access and control to both the kids which would makes me less miserable but I can't, I can't bring myself to surrender my flesh and blood to them.. At the same time, I'm feeling sad for the elder girl whom they did not really want... They are after the younger boy.. Everytime I see my girl saying wanting to go their place my heart sank, I feel like telling her that you are not the one that they ultimately after.. I didn't dare to put it across to her as I'm afraid to break her heart and to feel unbalance...
I really don't want the kids to get involved in this dispute but I can't help to get agitated by them in their dirty unhand games.. Splashing gift to the boy more than the girl and spoiling the boy by allowing him to stay home just because he want to sleep.. what is this?
Yes, the child will buy your story but as a parent, is that right? Is that the morale we want to impart to them? Seeing all this makes me stand firm in fighting for their custody even ending up with wounds and blood...
I'm not sad about the fight with him and like I say, the real saddness is that "I'm fighting alone" no one to reach out to.. at least for him, his father is still helping him to resolve..
I just can't help to feel sorry for myself.. I need to stay strong, put up a face in front of everyone elses, be the nicest buddy helping out in their bad time, be the most hardworking staff trying to help easing colleagues workload, being the nicest sister/daughter by keep mum to all these and not making them worry..
Now that I'm tired, no one to turn to.. its during these time, I need to see my babies to feel the ease and be rest assured that they are/will be on my side but they are not..
when will it end?? I hope it will be soon..