Saturday, 30 June 2007
♥ full of regret
When i was 3 years old, i attended buddhism class at this temple call "lian chi ge" located at paya lebar crescent... singing the song "san bao ge" is a routine and prceed to class and after class, we'll sing another song and after that we'll go for meal...
the monk there who we call him "yen zheng shi" will always play with us and he even gave my brother a nick name call "foot-baller" coz didi like to bring a ball along everytime and kicks it..
After i got married last year, daddy have been telling me to go "lian chi ge" when i'm free since it within walking distance from where i stay.. i didn't went once as i'm afraid or rather embrasses to tell yen zheng shi that i'm my parents's daughter, foot-baller's sister and that little girl who attended buddhism class... i'm scared that he doesn't recognise me.. i'm scare of being akward...
last sat, mummy called me.. she told me yen zheng shi passed away.. i felt heavy-hearted at that moment... my first reply to mummy wasn't "why/how he died" instead i said "he still not that old yet right?"
I then walked down to "lian chi ge" and on the way down, i keep thinking what to feel embrasses about? why i didn't go and tell him that i'm my parents's daughter...
like feeling full of remose...
we walked around the coffin where his motionless body lies and i can't controlled my tears anymore... even thou' i'm not very close with him but some how i felt deeply connected with him... we sat down to sing prayers for him but my mind keeps revolving about why i didn't listen to daddy? why i didn't went earlier and even if just to realise his illness, i still can tell mummy about it... why i will feel akward? many whys came and nothing can be changed...
if i were to visit him earlier, then at least i still can hear him speak to me.. even his reply might be "i don't remember you"... but now all i can hear is prayers from fellow mates and that empty shell without a soul inside the rectangular coffin...
in memories of yen zhen shi..