Monday, 24 September 2012
♥ Filling in the blanks
Decided to pay a little bit more attention to my blog whenever possible..
Life being "single" or I would say excluding him in life feels more breezy.. No longer feel worry, anger, injustice, suspicious...
Although its my dream to make an end to it ASAP but I'm still procrastinating about giving up my rights for the kids.. The thought of wanting the kids to be with me came back and I'm thinking of how to tell him since our last conversation was that I'm willing to let him have the kids..
Anyway, I know mum and mic are chasing after my ass to settle it once and forever, it's hard for me explain my stand now.. Nobody understand how I feel.. Maybe I'm just not prepared to "dump" my kids.. Or I might regret letting him have them if I were to know that they are not being brought up in correct belief or moral and ended up like him.. I might hate myself.. Or my kids will hate me for making this decision alone cos they want to be with me... A lot of worries or situation are going through my mind.. FML
I know I have to settle it fast but I hadn't made up my mind over the kids and I hate that suspicious look pple are giving me like they were thinking "don't tell me you hasn't made up you mind cos you still want to get back with him"... For hell, NO!! I know it clearly that it is over and I have nothing left in wanting to salvage anything.. No more believing, no more chances.. Had already given my trust and chances which had already been lost and broken..
I'm proud of myself to reject SIL sternly for trying to talk things out for us.. It's not going to work.. I told her not to see this whole issue as a stand point of a "sister of him" and try to persuade me; rather, view it in a women's point of view, would you accept this kind of life.. And I can see that she totally understand where I'm coming from except feeling a little sad for the young ones..
I made my stand clearly that although the children may get hurt emotionally for our breakup but its my duty to make them understand that they did not lost anyone of us, just that their daddy and mummy will not be staying together anymore. The kids seems to understand it and they are taking the facts about our separation quite positively and life goes on as per normal.. It's probably the best way to protect them rather then letting them see us quarrel...
Having say so much was probably my limit, I'm very tired in explaining why I hasn't make my move in filing the divorce and the decision to the kids.. I wouldn't want to start thinking about it cos its always endless.. I can't seem to find a balance point..
It's so true that this process is torturing people's mind and turning the scene ugly if there is no compromise..
Lastly, I truly believe that if a relationship turn sour, as a wife, who used to be so dependent on the husband; get so affected by the words or action of the husband, managed to stand strong, gain her independence, she's ready to move on and no turning back...
So guys, if your gf/wife is getting independent and is not crying or feeling upset about things or words you done/say to her, she probably has already get over you..
Many years ago, I told myself, if one day I would be able to take care of the kids myself and do things on my own, I'm ready to move out cos I don't need a husband in life who are not dependable since I can do it myself.. True enough, I'm training myself over the years to be strong as a backup plan or safety net should I fall back.. Which I would say I'm doing well till now that I'm not feeling anything, any sadness since my decision.. This affirm that fact that its all a "past tense"...